Identity

After a couple beers at Simon’s, Charles and I meandered back to his lovely Foster apartment and looked through a box of movies. Charles said we should watch this Identity movie. I had never heard of it, but I was totally, totally blown away. It was so good! It was so well-done! Man, what was Martin Scorsese thinking when he made Shutter Island!? He could have just watched this and been like, “Oh man, my movie sucks compared to the complexities and nuanced acting of John Cusack.” Shutter Island is a “punch-line” movie, as Charles puts it. So is this one. But it is so, so much more! So here’s what happens. There is a crazy guy who killed a bunch of people a while back. He’s going to be executed tomorrow, but there is a middle-of-the-night hearing and it is shrouded in mystery. The hearing part of the movie is spliced with many different people in different forms of distress who all end up stranded at a motel in the middle of Nevada. The circumstances are strange but what is really going on is all the crazy murder guy’s personalities are getting together and have a face-off. They are dying one by one, but THE AUDIENCE DOESN’T KNOW THAT IT IS IN HIS MIND!!! They just think the movie is about a bunch of people in a rainstorm stopping at a hotel who keep dying. One by one, they die, not necessarily in the order that I will list them: the escaped convict dies with a bat shoved down his throat, the recently married yes-pregnant-no-pregnant couple die, the movie star- diva lady dies and her head is found thudding in the dryer. The evil cop-actually-convict dies in a face-off with John Cusak who is the had-emotional-trauma-and-had-to-quit-but-still-has-strong-crime-instincts-cop. John Cusak also dies. So everyone is dead except for the prostitute who made a bunch of money and is on her way back home to Florida to grow oranges. The prostitute is played by Amanda Peet. She wears a knock-off juicy hoodie, and other types of clothes that I wear on a regular basis. But I guess she’s a prostitute. The funny part is, when she comes to the motel, she is immediately pegged as a prostitute by the motel-manager-who-lost-all-his-money-in-las-vegas-and-found-real-manager-dead-and-took-over-the-job. He says mean things to her. And it was her shoe that caused an accident with the (seemingly) happy family driving in their mini van. They get a flat tire after running over the heel of her shoe which flew out during the crazy rain storm. THEN the dad goes out to fix it and little Timmy hangs out in the car. He does some weird communication with a hand on the glass window with his mom, and the mom, who is outside, get whammed by a car driven by….JOHN CUSACK! Whoa. So that’s how those guys all end up at the Motel. The mom is doing ok, until she DIES! The dad is doing OK until HE DIES after getting hit by a car driven by Motel manager-not-manager who is in a temporary state of hysteria. He is a casualty of the earlier face-off and then it’s just Peet. By killing all of his personalities except for harmless Peet, the-orange-prostitute-getting-a-second-chance, the people defending the killer say that he is now harmless.

So the guy, the killer is driving with his psychoanalyst and he is Peet, who has made it (in his mind) to her orange grove. She’s, like, taking things off the clothes line, and is about to start doing some hoe-ing (no pun intended. I really wrote that and then realized what I had done) but what does she find in the dirt? A KEY!!!!! AHHHHHH!

I should pause here, at the climactic moment to tell you the significance of the key. Each person who died in the Motel had a key on them. It was a sort of count down: each key found was in consecutive decreasing order. Then, in the middle of a Florida orange grove, Amanda Peet hoes up a key with the number 1 on it. OMG SHE’S THE LAST ONE TO DIE!!! Then she looks, and IT’S LITTLE TIMMY! IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG! HE WAS THE ONE KILLING EVERYONE!!! He says, “whores don’t get a second chance.” And then he kills her. Meanwhile in the van where the killer and his psychoanalyst are driving, the killer whispers, “Whores don’t get a second chance.” “What did you say?” says the psychoanalyst and he turns around and opens the protective window. Then the killer kills him. We see the van swerve off the road. The end.

I just thought of this. This movie is what would happen if Final Destination and Shutter Island had sex and had a baby. This movie would be both the sexiness of that couple and it would be the shiny part of their baby’s eyes.

Little Dieter Needs to Fly (Keith’s BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!!)

Though Keith had already mentioned the title of this movie, when I saw the cover I still said, “Oh interesting, little Diet-er Needs to Fly.” In my mind I was already making connections, thinking that this must be about some obese man who loses a ton of weight in order to go paragliding or something. I was wondering how the ever-solemn, ever-intense Werner Herzog would handle such a light and inspiring topic. I was soon to discover–after Keith corrected me saying, “Um, no it’s pronounced Little Deeter”–that this movie ain’t no Jenny Craig walking in the park.

In the first scene, a man, Dieter Dengler, walks into a tattoo parlor to get a tattoo but rejects the sketch because it does not correctly illustrate the vision he had while walking through the jungles of Laos, near-death, as an escaped prisoner. Among other things, he says that the figure in the sketch that is riding the horses coming out of the doors in the sky was not death, but an angel. “Death didn’t want me,” he said to the tattoo parlor guy. Sadly, we do not see the tattoo guy’s expression.

Then Dieter is driving through fog in a buttery yellow convertible. He says when he drives his convertible, he often hears the voices of his dead friends. There is a brief departure from the luxurious car to a trance-like pan of bombs falling on jungle-land and exploding in fire blossoms. Dieter Dengler lives in California in an awesome house with many doors. He has a weird door habit, and also he loves door art. Sort of like the spoon art in The Room. He has paintings of doors in his house, and he has tons of food in case something happens. It comforts him to know that he has a ten gallon bucket of honey. So that is the now Dieter.

Boy Dieter Dengler grew up in Black Forest, Germany. (I can’t help thinking of the super-dooper dark Randall Jarrell poem called “A Hunt in the Black Forest” loosely based on war. So many connections that I won’t get into here.) Herzog’s creepy intense floating-voice explains that people there ate wallpaper because it had nutrients.

Cut to a ballet of fighter planes in the sky in black and white.

Then Dieter, who is back visiting and pointing out what has changed and what has stayed the same since he left, said that when his town was getting bombed, he fell in love with the planes. He saw one pass by his window and was just overwhelmed with how awesome it was. So, when he turned 18, he left his sweet clock-making gig at The Black Forest and took a boat to the U.S. He got in trouble for hiding a bunch of sandwiches and oranges in his shirt, which I thought was pretty awesome, but maybe scary for him. Then he went to school so he could join the Navy and fly planes. Then he joined the Navy to fly planes, but had to peel potatoes for a couple of years first.

Cut to him disrobing a mannequin pilot and talking about his plane crash over Laos. He said he had lost part of his wing, there was a lot of brightness, no time for fear, and that jellyfish are what death looks like, and planes are like broken coffee cups.

At this point in the movie, I was like, what the heck? Molly was pretty unfazed by the whole thing, which was surprising because if you’ve never seen Herzog before it’s sort of a trip. Keith said, “and this is where things get really weird.” They definitely did. Herzog films Dieter back in the jungle where he was captured by the Vietcong after his plane crashed. He has local forest workers tie him up and hold guns near him, even though it doesn’t really look like they know exactly what is going on. Dieter gets a little weirded out being back in that environment, and shows the camera an ingenious way to build a fire, and describes the different torture techniques his captors used on him.  “They were always thinking of things to do to me.” But Herzog interjects saying, “Of course, Dieter knew it was only a film.” Really? Did he really understand that it was just Herzog trying to squeeze as much excitement and emotion and story out of this poor guy as possible? (I should mention here that Herzog continued to exploit this story and made a dramatic film called Rescue Dawn starring Christian Bale in 2007.) Yeah, I guess Dieter Dengler is aware of what’s going on, but I’m sure a lot of creepy memories flooded back. He says he tried to escape once, but realized he was going to die of thirst. Cut to a picture of a little bog in the jungle and Werner Herzog saying “THE MOMENT HE TRIED TO DRINK THE PUTRID WATER, THEY WERE ALL OVER HIM.” Things were super shitty for Dieter. Like, his friend Dwayne getting decapitated for example, or like getting followed by a bear because the bear thought he was definitely going to die soon, or like, eating rats from the inside of snakes because the snakes were easy to catch after they had gorged themselves, or almost dying because his raft went over a waterfall. That is some messed up stuff. I think maybe instead of a rib-cage door with a chariot of horses coming out, Dieter should have gotten a bear tattoo. The bear, he said, was his only friend, even though it wanted to eat him.

Dieter also tells a story about how once someone in the village where they were staying stole his ring. He was able to communicate this to the Vietcong and they found the guy and cut off his finger. Then he chuckles and embraces some forest worker guy pretending to be a guard and says, “don’t worry, it’s only a film. You’ve still got all your fingers.”  Seriously, Herzog? Really?

Dieter also explains how he escaped with his friend Dwayne illustrating what happened on a little map. He also ties up his feet to show Herzog and the camera. There are these long pans of the actor captors just doing their own thing. I did like how Dieter remembers how “they were BBQ-ing all the time.” When he walked around, the soldiers would have this little pot with coals in the bottom and they would catch bugs and stuff and put it on the grill. He said one time he looked and they were grilling a small bird.

We return to the Now Dengler. He is recounting how he was rescued by Deatrick, who is sitting with him at the dinner table. Deatrick was the pilot who doubled back to get him. While they talk, Dieter is cutting a giant Thanksgiving turkey. When he was rescued, Deiter Dengler weighed 85 pounds. When the crew pulled Dieter onto the plane, a snake came out of his shirt. It was a snack he was saving for later. Boy have times changed since that rescue. Dieter has a thing for hiding foot in his clothing. Back at the base, he, understandably, wasn’t able to sleep very well and only felt safe sleeping in the cockpit of planes. The movie ends with Dieter’s continued awe and love of planes even though he almost died as a result of flying. He is walking around some massive airplane parking lot. Oh, and we see a shot of his funeral that Herzog must have tacked on later. The End.

Party Girl

Okay, so this movie is totally mesmerizing because Parker Posey just spazes out the whole time. It’s hard to put that into words, so instead I will put it into videos. Though, this lovely blog puts it into photos! Parker throws parties in her apartment to make her money. Then the police come and she goes to jail. Her godmother bails her out and then Parker goes to the library where her godmother works to ask her for more money. She talks really loud in the library, and says to some guy who freaks out about a certain book order, “What a dick.” Her godmother says, “He’s not a dick, he’s a patron.”

She breaks up with her current boyfriend, (who is a young Sabertooth from the X-Men) because he pees in her shower. She lives with a broke but aspiring DJ. Then she becomes a librarian and gets with a hot Lebanese guy. They do it in the library, too. Here is a video of her fantasizing.

When Parker Posey gets forced into working at the library with her godmother, a woman comes over and asks where to find “Origins of Species” but Parker Posey hears this:

HAHAHAHA!

She calls her job at the library “Cell Block H meets 4H Club” what does that even mean? Meanwhile, her DJ friend goes to try and get a job at this exclusive club. He misunderstands the boss and thinks she wants him to “imitate a cat puking.”

HAHAHAHA!

Then, after the godmother gets angry, Parker Posey is insulted enough to learn the Dewey Decimal system. I also fantasize about coming up with better responses to mean things people say to me, or just better responses in general.

Parker Posey smokes a J and, after a few drinks at some dive bar, begins to learn the system. She says “Yes mama! I know what going on, yes I do.” It’s a good moment for her, and she understands the wonderful ingeniousness of the dreaded Dewey Decimal System. This is spliced with the DJ’s premier at the club.

Parker Posey realizes that this is what she loves. She sometimes sits still long enough to read. She also organizes all of the DJ’s records and cross lists them. There is a lovely, most amazing montage ever of Parker Posey sauntering up to the falafel guy and ordering the same thing in different outfits over and over again. She takes her job so seriously that this happens:

Things end happily. Her gay friend finds Carl who actually isn’t named Carl, and Parker Posey gets her librarian job back. But she does have to spaz out a lot more. Shoving balloons out of the way or seeing a lizard on someone’s shoulder and making a face. I will conclude with this video:

Broken Arrow

This movie is what happens when the two Johns (Travolta and Woo) get together with a storyline consisting of slo-mo explosions and nuclear weapons. This movie is right up there with FACE/OFF in my book of movies which only exists in my head. Like many Woo wonders, this film opens with that weird operatic music, so often played to portray something super-dooper intense in an action film or during some intense sports game. Think doves flying and Nicholas Cage at his worst. Then we see Travolta punching the daylights out of Christian SLATER in the boxing ring. He’s being really mean and condescending, but as it turns out, they are just friends! They joke around in the locker room in a sort of conversational sparring that is simply an extension of the fighting in the ring. They exchange a twenty dollar bill. Travolta won’t accept it because Christian “didn’t give it all he’s got” during the fight. Christian says he took the money from Travolta’s wallet, so he sort of one-upped him with his sassy brain power, rather than his strength. Then they walk to meet up with their superior. There is a butt-shot of both of them in their little pilot onesies. Very cute.

They sit and talk with some grumpy guy about their mission. They use masculine military language that is completely incomprehensible to me. Things like “Hey hey hey, we’re going to take the little lady for a walk around the block!” or “She’ll be stocked and locked and more pregnant than a country cow.” Actually they don’t say those things, but that’s what it sounded like to me. And they weren’t talking about a lady! They were talking about a jet! That can go into stealth- mode!

There is a nut-shot as they go to their darth-vader-like 2 billion dollar aircraft. Someone says something about war in Utah and I think it’s supposed to be funny, but I have no idea what they are talking about. They fly away. Meanwhile, a park ranger pulls up on some unsuspecting campers and shoots them. We realize he is not a park ranger. Then he turns to the side, and says into a radio in the most moribund hilarious low voice: “ssssecure.” Meanwhile, the aircraft is flying through the deserts of Utah and the pilots joke casually with the base. Then they go into stealth mode and all hell breaks loose. Spurious Travolta does the old, “hey look over there” move and tries to shoot Christian in the head, but Christian’s too quick and then, since they both still have their seat belts on, have  a vigorous arm fight.

Meanwhile, we meet a sweet girl from the movie little women, the one who does NOT die of scarlet fever. She’s driving her park ranger truck. Everything seems normal until a giant aircraft flies over, just feet above her head. Travolta releases the two nuclear missiles and ejects Slater. Then he sends a dispatch saying something cryptic, ejects himself, and the jet slams into a rock with spectacular explosions. The people at the base freak and inform the pentagon where a smarty pants named Giles (pronounced Jiles) and the guy from that 70′s show discuss how to portray this to the world. Jiles insists on telling the truth and people laugh at him, but later his brains will win the battle. The U.S. Government (under the command of the dad in that 70′s show with a very creepy glasses shadow) scramble to locate the nuclear weapons when they realize that they are not among the jet wreckage. There is a wonderful short part played by a guy looking for the weapons and running around the desert with his crew. He’s so devoted to the task at hand, so relieved when he finds both the missiles, but then he gets shot by people on Team Travolta while trying to disarm one of the missiles. I should also mention that at this point, Christian Slater has awoken from a serious bump to the head moving a little with the wind-tides of this parachute, and then comes face to face with the lady park ranger. Boy are they in for an exciting adventure together! After a brief power bout, Slater comes out on top and in his calm evincing way, gets the lady to agree to help him. But when they get back to her truck, Slater hears a funny sound. He looks around. He looks at her. She looks at him and says “what is it?” then he pulls her out of the car and they RUN! A helicopter is shooting at them!!! Oh shit. They climb into a canyon and they shoot at the helicopter and then Slater shoots the pilot but the helicopter’s propellers almost kill the girl! Whew!

Meanwhile, Travolta and his happy crew drive away. Happy crew except one business man who has invested a lot of money in this operation and is sort of pooping on their parade says, “why did the helicopter explode? You never said that this would happen! NOW how are we going to get the nukes out of here?” Travolta gives him a talking to. But the girl and Slater intercept the trucks, jump on the truck, and, while driving and shooting and ejecting the driver, in a wonderful ballet of team work, Slater tapes a flare to a canister of gasoline  and throws it at the trailing bad guy car. They have to stop to extinguish (while the businessman says things like “this is unacceptable!” and Travolta grits his teeth) and this buys the rogue heroes some time. They drive to a mine with their time.

So that Slater can disarm the missiles. But oh no! Travolta calls the truck and Slater answers and Travolta taunts him and to Slater’s horror, he discovers that instead of disarming the missiles, he actually armed one and set it to explode in 30 minutes!! The girl freaks. Then helps to try to move the missile underground where it won’t kill everyone. But the bad guys get there and intercept the other missile AND have a shoot out in a mine against poor Slater who calls Travolta totally messed up in the head and suffering from an inferiority complex. This makes Travolta pretty angry and he does his signature evil head cock. He leaves the two down in the mine with a live nuclear missile. While side-kick Kelly throws some grenades down the shaft to be sure. Now they’ll never make it out alive! But wait, there’s an underground river! They take that (which looks super creepy and claustrophobic and like a death trap) and they survive! Slater says, “see those butterflies? In the manual it says if you see butterflies, there isn’t any radiation around.” He’s such a soft at heart kind of guy. The bad guy truck is intercepted again, but this time by a U.S. military helicopter.

The bad guys are at the end of their rope. Or are they? Just then the nuclear explosion (had to go back in time a bit) hits and the shock wave cuts all radio communication and the helicopter crashes. “You the man!” Travolta’s side-kick Kelly says! and they are on their merry way. Oh, I should mention that Travolta whacks the businessman in the throat  and kills him and then says “I’ve never killed anyone until now. I mean I’ve thrown bombs on people, but I’ve never killed anyone face to face. I don’t see what the big deal it,” which makes him very, very evil. Then the side kick takes the front seat. They drive to a boat. Slater and the girl are trailing and the girl gets under some canvas and goes off in the boat while Slater is left behind. Oh crap!

I will leave you in suspense for a moment to tell you that strange and numinous things were afoot in the filming of this awesome movie. This is a picture of a couple of UFO’s that were sighted during the filming of this movie.

Okay, Slater meets up with the U.S. peeps and tells them that a civilian girl is involved and we must try to not kill her. Then this guy says: “Do you know what orders are, Pritchard?” which makes everyone THINK means, we have to kill the girl if those are the orders. But then he goes on to say “Because I’m about to break them.” and people all look at one another with wry smiles.

Meanwhile, the girl tries to attack the guy who is fooling with the missile (they are on a train now.) but he knew she was there all along! He hits her and then goes, “We haven’t met. I’m Matt. You should see what I can do with just my thumb.” What the hell does that even mean? Then she throws a hammer at his head and knocks him out, but then, oh man! There’s Travolta with a gun to her head. He holds the gun and does his little head-cocked look and smiles and taunts her. He says Slater is a pussy. But then, there he is! And he’s shooting at them from a helicopter. Travolta is shot in the arm. The girl is hanging on the side of the train. Man, this is where things get really drawn out. Lots of people die, there are explosions galore, and then one train gets disconnected from the other, only to come smashing into the Slater VS. Travolta car. Slater, while getting the shit beat out of him (again) disarms the missile with seconds to go, and gets off the train right as the other hits, which shoots the missile directly into a smiling Travolta. Huge Explosion, then Slater and the girl meet up and she says, “you’re still under arrest,” but she’s sort of hugging him. He says, “yes, you’re going to have to take me in.” We all know what that means, and I don’t mean jail. THE END.

 

 

Ten Best Mindless Romances aka Macaroni Movies

1. Falling Up

I watched this film a couple days ago. It was so bad in that comforting way that I thought I would make a list of similar comforting-like-comfort food “macaroni movies.” A guy with no money, but who is totally adorable and loyal and smart takes a doorman job. He meets a girl who lives with her millionaire family in the penthouse of the building. Sparks fly, there’s a sort of offensive portrayal of a gay couple, and George, the boss of the doormen, has a heart face-tattoo. To calm your nerves, the answer is yes, the boy and the girl get together. I know you’re thinking, but wait, there is no POSSIBLE way that a rich girl and a poor guy could get together. But it this movie the impossible happens. Henry (doorman) saves the girl’s dick-boyfriend after he O.D.s on cocaine, and gives CPR to a dog, but he is still not good enough for the rich girl’s mom. That is the conflict. But wait, OMG! They get together in the end! The girl says “Hey mom, I’m 21 and will date whoever I want!” and Henry, the guy, says, “I’m proud of who I am and really think this girl is cute” or whatever. In real life, they probably date for a few months and then break up, but that’s just me. I didn’t see the chemistry. Here are some other things worth noting: First, the music was done by Mark Mothersbaugh, famed for creating the soundtrack to such masterpieces as Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Rugrats The Movie, oh and Rushmore and The Royal Tennenbaums. Another nugget of info about this movie: Snoop Dogg is Raul, the doorman, and he gets with Rachel Leigh Cook in the end.

Which leads me to my next movie:

2: She’s All That

I remember watching this movie in the theater with my friend, Anna Markowski, who eats her fries without ketchup and her sushi without soy sauce. So messed up. My dad drove us to the theater. The only line I remember from the whole movie is: “I was a bet? I was a fucking bet?” I remember it because it was the only time the f-word was used in the film and you could tell people really deliberated over whether or not it should be in there. They could have made the movie PG (and greatly increased the allowed viewer audience) if it didn’t have that one line. But the film-makers really stuck to their artistic moral guns there. I mean, that scene when she finds out that Freddie PRINZE betrayed her is devastating, and I think it was important for her to use the f-word. It makes everything so real, so painful, so crushing. It’s hard to be both beautiful AND artistic. Here’s some awesome little tidbits from “your friendly neighborhood beauty addict, Karen” (thanks, Karen!):

“Half of the up-and-coming young stars of the time are in it. Everyone from Paul Walker to Gabrielle Union to Anna Paquin and Usher. It even has one of the Culkins (I can’t remember which one).

I didn’t realize until last night that Lil’ Kim even has a bit part. She plays a high school student. I’d never recognized her in the movie before because she’s actually wearing regular clothes, LOL!

So how’s your Tuesday coming along? What has been the highlight of your day?”

3: The Prince and Me

The conflict in this movie is: Oh dang, the dude I like is also a prince, and I didn’t know it! But you know what? Things work out really well in the end, I’ll tell you that. I used this film to help my Chinese students learn English when I lived in Kunming. The language was so simple, the plot so textbook, that it was a perfect movie to show to English learners.

4. Music and Lyrics

Hugh Grant is a musical genius, but he can’t write lyrics! Shoot! Drew Barrymore, a kookie, adorable lady who is a creative writer named Sophie, waters plants for a living. (See why I have a soft spot for this movie? The only difference between me and this movie-version Sophie is that I babysit cats, not plants!) Hugh and Drew end up fitting together like two parts of a puzzle.

5. Drive Me Crazy

I don’t really remember much of this movie, other than it was sort of like She’s All That turned into He’s All That. Issues of popularity and prom success were the foundation of this film. These little blurbs are going to get shorter as I run out of memory and steam.

6. Fools Rush In

Cultures clash and passions fly with the guy from friends and Salma Hyek. I really want to see this movie again. I wonder how dated it actually is, and whether the culture clash scenes are still OK.

7. Six Days Seven Nights

Alan Lopuszynsky writes a heartbreaking essay called “Burbanked: My Humiliation Lasted Longer Than Six Days Seven Nights.” I guess he passed up this script and regrets it big time. I still do not understand why he regrets it. But you can read his multiple office scenarios regarding the script here if you want. I don’t remember the “adventure” part of this film, just that as I watched it, I kept thinking: Anne Heche and Harrison Ford? Really?

8. Up Close & Personal

Two deeply passionate and ambitious reporters (Pfeiffer and Redford) fall in love. Then Robert Redford goes to cover something and gets killed. This movie is one that me and Wanyu watched on TV in Taiwan, I think. It was dubbed into Mandarin. It’s a good sign when you know exactly what is happening plot-wise even though you only understand about 15% of what is actually being said. Pfeiffer accidentally gets stuck in a jail riot, but she’s OK. Here is what I will say about this movie: Boots. Boots boots boots. Tears tears tears. Did that give anything away? I don’t think it did, but you can tell me if that irks you. Also, this is one of the few movies that doesn’t end happily, or maybe it does. Celine Dione wins for best original song:

9. One Fine Day

“School probably starts around nine. Everything starts around nine,” says the laid-back divorced dad played by George Clooney. Some sort of contrived scenario brings the kids of Clooney and Pfeiffer together and romance blooms between the parents. But not before taking the audience on a roller coaster ride of Michelle Pfeiffer (again!) freaking out and breathing and putting toy cars on parking lot models to keep her job and the kids doing dumb stuff like putting marbles up noses. I probably rented this movie from blockbusters once and thought it was the shit.

10. Shall We Dance

A Chicago Movie. I cried a little. Richard Gere and J-Lo DO NOT have an affair. Susan Sarandon can rest easy and just dance her cares away.

That’s the list! I only listed movies I have seen. Sadly this means I’ve probably missed quite a few! If you have any recommendations, I would love to hear them.

Warrior of the Lost World

The way I am going to approach this synopsis is going to be different than my others. During this movie, I took notes so that I wouldn’t forget anything important. So what I’m going to do is just write out my notes (which are quite extensive) and add in parentheses, things I think are worth mentioning.

In a personal question to Adam: Did you watch this WHOLE movie? Or did you fall asleep on your waaaay too comfortable couch? It’s no ZARDOZ, but it’s definitely something. Thank you for recommending it.

The opening music sounds like a cassette tape gone busted with the ribbon all coming out. The camera is really fuzzy for a long time. A “warrior” is biking on his motorcycle.

“Beep Bop a loola” says the screen on the bike. Three times. A cop car alerts, “Maximum Pursuit” and the bike warns the warrior, “Bad Mothers x3″ The warrior gets shot. “bite this x3″ and the bike shoots something. “bingo x3″ says the bike. Police car explodes. “Tough way to start a day” says the warrior. “VERY BAD MOTHERS x3″ warns the bike. Warrior passes through a bunch of old cars. Dirty people living in them. “Dorks x3″ “Dickheads x3″ “Veg Outs x3″ “Geeks x3″ says the bike. Now we know. To me they look like barbarian hipsters with crossbows. (In other words, people you would see standing on top of Blanchard’s in Allston being weird. These locals aren’t too far off the mark.) One shoots the warrior in the thigh.

Now the car graveyard is in a field. “Surprise x3″ says the bike. Fast moving old vehicles are coming at the warrior and his bike. “Yipee! x3″ “Yee haw x3″ and this goes on. It’s kind of annoying. Then the bike and the warrior run into a wall and explode.

He is lying on a rock, surrounded by people wearing togas. An old man gives him healing light and his wounds disappear. People inform him that only the pure in spirit can penetrate the “SECRET WALL OF ILLUSION.” “Like, What wall, man?” says the sassy bike. The mustachioed black man explains it to him again. then a woman comes and points a gun at his crotch. “Either you help me rescue my father or I’ll blow your balls off.” (here’s one of my favorite parts:) He says, Okay, but what’s in it for me? She gives him this sexy look, raises the gun in the air, and shoots a bullet into the sky.” (What does that mean? I couldn’t help thinking something phallic. I know, I know.)

Now they are walking in a cave. I mean, treacherous cavern. Tarantula. Bats. Sounds of squeaking. Snakes! Torches! MUTANTS! “In here,” says the warrior. “C’mon, in here! Alright, let’s go” More mutants! The warrior uses a pocket Size Flamethrower (?). Mutants burn. Nastasia gives him a tender arm squeeze. She can handle everything but mutants. They make her skin crawl. Thanks, she says with her eyes and voice. They climb out of the cave and into a weird S & M hipster art gallery space. Humans are posing like living statues. Then they come alive and there are many CROTCH SHOTS, and erotic dancing. The warrior and Nastasia move past the dancers and further into OMEGA. They stand on a moving walk way. Then when they get a little bit away from the crowd, Nastasia starts pressing some buttons (the buttons she presses are totally irrelevant to the rest of the plot. boboobeeboopboopbee: The sounds of buttons being pressed.) The warrior says they are in way over their heads and he wants out. She says, you made a promise. And so he follows her. They sit in an outdoor arena with other drones. The guards below bring out: A skinny white guy, an Asian woman, and a black guy. They are terminated. Then burned with blow torches. Rather grim.

Group 2 comes out. They are all old men, and one is…Nastasia’s dad! OMG! He’s going to get terminated! There’s a shoot out. Guards are everywhere. Here is what the warrior says. “C’mon! Move it! Let’s Go! C’mon!” Slo-mo. “C’mon!” There is also the “Owwwah!” “OOOOoaoohhshhso” sounds of people getting shot all around. Nastasia, gets shot and can’t make it to the helicopter in time, so it is just the professor (dad) and the warrior flying away.

Meanwhile, Prosser, (not to be confused with Professor) leader of Omega, gives Nastasia a punishment after she spits in his face. He basically puts her in a constant state of shock treatment.

Ooookay now we see a woman wearing ratty lingerie and using crutches. Some Bruce Lee impersonators are fighting. Some face-painted hipsters are also in attendance, in addition to a fat lady-man eating a piece of chicken. Hooligans. They are all fighting and being all around violent in barbarian ways. The warrior and the professor roll up. One girl beats the shit out of some dudes. A midget cheers, then the professor tells the warrior he has to fight and win in order to get these people’s attention. So he does, he pushes people up against psychedelic ying yang vans and then becomes alpha male in the community. The professor gives a speech and looks like a sleazy government guy.

Meanwhile Nastasia is on a big light box being tortured.

Meanwhile a cop goes pee. A woman comes up and asks if she can help him “shake it off.” (eww!) He’s into it and advances and then he is strangled, and two panty-hose face people steal his car. (We are lead to believe that this kind of guerrilla warfare is going on all over the place) A rag tag crew is assembled. The bike jumps some spikes. Shooting, sirens, grenades, massive explosion, a bearded man laughs. The pace of things has picked up because the bike now only exclaims things twice. Like, “Mayday x2″ because Einstein (I just found out the bike is named that) is lost in the woods.

Meanwhile, some of the crew is infiltrating Omega. Nastasia is still getting tortured.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, the warrior and Einstein emerge from the woods, only to be faced with a MEGAWEAPON machine. He drives right under it and is able to gloriously disarm it and make it drive to the side and stop. Really something. Einstein is crushed and makes weird whimpers. His screen goes blank. It is dead. Then the warrior says the only lines he ever says, in different permutations: “C’mon! Let’s Go! Move It!” The helicopter comes down and picks him up.

Meanwhile, a crew of Bruce Lee’s lead the way into Omega, strangling anyone who stands in their way. Meanwhile ladies in disguise start shooting everyone. “Let’s move!” says the warrior when the helicopter lands, and then something new: “Stop just sitting there talking, let’s move.” The Omega flag comes down! They have been overthrown! but what about Nastasia?

The Professor and the Warrior stand in Prosser’s office with the creepy sculpture in the background. “I don’t hate you, I pity you. Because you have no soul” says the professor. But…touche! Prosser turns around a chair in the shape of a coffin and it is Nastasia! She’s holding a gun to her own head. “Shoot them” orders Prosser. So she gets up and shoots the Warrior in his shoulder but then, when she’s going to shoot her father her brow furrows. She’s confused. She turns and shoots Prosser! She hasn’t been completely brainwashed! All is right with the world, and THE NEW WAY emerges victorious. She collapses into her father’s arms and then there is a great celebration with cheering and togas. Then Nastasia and the warrior have a moment, looking deep into each other’s eyes.

Meanwhile, some guards look at the “body” of Prosser. But…he’s a CLONE! The REAL Prosser is wearing a black leather jacket and talks to…the MUSTACHIOED BLACK MAN who was fighting on the side of the NEW WAY…or was he? Prosser remembers the merciless way they shot his clone and shivers. “Such animals,” he exclaims.

Meanwhile Nastasia and the warrior say goodbye. “Our journey is just beginning” says Nastasia and she makes out with the warrior with a little helpful nudge from a repaired Einstein. The Warrior hops on his bike and drives away. Bleary cassette music…camera goes out of focus. The end.

NOT A SYNOPSIS! Skwak’S GIFT! THANK YOU!!!!

Skwak is a magic-maker. Whose eyes are those? They are Nicholas Cage’s Eyes overlaying my eyes. This is such a special treat. Now look away or you will feel ill.